When we started our weekly (originally fortnightly) open mic variety show Arthur B's Fringe Affair, the motto of the show was "you have complete freedom to fail", and our performers really seemed to appreciate and embrace it. Some people said it was a bit negative, so we updated it: "You have permission to be awesome, and complete freedom to fail."
Last year I wrote and performed a bunch of brand new things which had the potential to fail. Short stories, standup comedy, beat poetry, songs, and a whole bunch of improv sets. I also stopped blogging, running and doing pushups. Which brings me to motivation and when it stops.
I started a food blog in 2011. It was a project which definitely had the possibility of failure, given that before I started I had never taken a proper photo, used a DSLR, written about food, or made a comic. Of all the skills I needed to do this, the only two I had confidence and competence in were HTML code and puns. Just after I started I heard about the Eat.Drink.Blog conference which brings together food bloggers around the country. The conference also includes competitions such as a photo competition. There are eligibility requirements for both, which includes that bloggers must write at least one blog post per month.
That became my motivation: I wanted to be eligible for EDB, so I needed to maintain a post per month. For a whole year it kept me posting. Even when I went overseas I scheduled posts to go live while I was away.
The 2012 Conference rolled around, and I met the eligibility requirements. I spent a good few hours labouring over which photos I should submit to the photo comp. But while the competition had eligibility requirements, it listed no details about the judging criteria. I had to make an educated guess, but I figured I had the bases covered.
Eventually, a few days after the conference, the results of the photo comp are posted. And that was all: three names and three photos. No explanation from the judges as to why these photos were chosen, no shortlist or honourable mentions. So I didn't win. And while I was thrice disappointed the part that hurt the most was that one of the three photos was, in my amateur opinion, average. Boring, really. Perhaps it was technically proficient, perhaps even technically outstanding -- I don't know because the judges didn't say. But it for damn sure wasn't more interesting than any of my three photos.
And looking back on it, that was when my motivation in writing a food blog started to dissipate. Other things contributed to it (including Nigerian truckloads of spam comments and emails), but from then on it started to become less 'something I'm doing for fun' to 'something I have to get done before I can do something fun'.
***
On Christmas Day, 2011, I started running.
I was inspired by a friend who had told me he'd just started the Couch-to-5k program, so I just got up on Christmas morning and ran. (Well, I downloaded a couch-to-5k app first. And it was less of a run and more of a walk interrupted by short bursts of jogging. But I wore sneakers and shorts, so I'm counting it.) That program kept me going, telling me when to run and when to walk and -- most importantly -- that I was aiming for a 5km run at the end of it all. I hit the goal, did a few more runs, then sort of gave up for a while. Then the running app/game Zombies! Run came out, and I got right back into it. I bought the Bourne Supremacy soundtrack to run to, and all of a sudden running was awesome. Christmas morning 2012 I was sneakered-up and out the door again. And when you're running from zombies to the Bourne soundtrack along dead quiet main roads, running is amazing.
But you know what? I lost my motivation on that one, too. I can tie it back to disappointment as well (I entered a Zombies! Run fan writing competition, didn't win), though I think it has less to do with that and more to do with the fact that I had achieved my goal. I could run 5km, even 7km, so what was the point? So I eventually stopped running.
But the success of the couch-to-5k goal got me re-motivated on a previous goal I had failed to reach. I wanted to do 100 pushups. (Actually, the original goal was 111 pushups on 11/11/11.) And whaddayaknow, there's an app for that as well! (Several, in fact.) And right there I had it again. A plan telling me how many pushups to do per set, how long to rest, and how many I'd have to do the next day. And a final goal I would reach by following the plan. I plugged in the Bourne soundtrack again and a few months later I hit my goal.
And then?
And then I got a real internet connection and it changed everything. I started watching Sasuke aka Ninja Warrior, which was available on-demand on SBS (a local public TV station which specialises in diversity). I had always loved the show (and its parent show Unbeatable Banzuke) when I caught it on TV in previous years, but now it was in regular supply, and I could watch it when I wanted and in the right order.
And then I had my next goal: Sasuke.
I knew the episodes I had been watching were old, but I found out they were still filming episodes in 2012. And I wanted to be on that show. I wanted to struggle my way through those insane obstacles. I wanted to hit that red button at the end of Stage 1 and puff my way through an interview in a language I don't speak.
But I could never even consider it unless I had better upper body strength. I started doing pullups, climbing up the sides of stairs, getting ready for Stage 3's Cliffhanger. I got scrapes and blisters, then callouses. On New Years Eve 2013 I went indoor rock climbing again -- something I hadn't done in many years. It hurt, but it was that good kind of hurt.
I came back to work and found out that Sasuke is back, and there is a way I can enter. They're holding a Southeast Asian competition and anyone can apply. Oh my goodness oh my goodness! Okay, but there is no way I could be ready to compete in February 2014. But if this is going to be an annual event…
Last week I joined a gym. I have never been a member of a gym, and I have never had any interest in being a member of a gym. I have always felt that exercise needed to be fun i.e. involving competition or a challenge or zombies. But I don't have room to build my own Sasuke obstacles at home so I have to get warrior-fit some other way.
My partner reminded me yesterday that attitude is everything. And I think that's my answer to the problem of motivation. Disappointment is fine, it's normal, but I can't let that slow me down. I need to keep a positive attitude, enjoy what I'm doing, and keep setting the next goal to keep momentum.
So this is my latest challenge. I have a long way ahead of me, and many obstacles to overcome, but I have already taken some big steps down the road to Midoriyama.
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